BookTherapy

"NEITHER SNOW NOR RAIN NOR HEAT NOR GLOOM OF NIGHT…”

We had a major rainstorm up in the northland yesterday – roads washed out, a river coursing through our yard. And, of course, the internet was down…so I had to pack up my computer and forge my way into town to send it from my husband’s hotel. As I left the house, my daughter said, “Are you sure you want to brave the elements?”

Of course! Because I was focused on the end goal of getting my blog up (and, of course, checking my email1). I drove around downed trees, and navigated a small river with m SUV, and dodged piles of dirt but I finally made it to town.

And my blog.

On your hero’s spiritual journey, he’ll have downed logs to traverse and rivers to wade through, and dirt to dodge….how do we keep him on track and focused?

Here’s a few hints I’ve discovered:

Focus on one central truth. My primary purpose to getting to town was to blog. Now, if I accomplished picking up some groceries, or even a skinny vanilla latte from the local coffee shop, that’s an added bonus. But my focus was….internet access. In the same way, keep your spiritual theme/plot simple and focused. One verse, or one passage, one song, one line from the song. Don’t do the buckshot method of sowing the seeds…pick your ammo and aim well. Some possible ways of communicating the theme/truth/message:
i. songs (hymns or other songs)
ii. sayings (quotes they read, hear….could be anywhere – graffiti, on a menu, on a bus, on the radio…)
iii. a wise friend, relative, pastor. Even something someone says in passing. (a fisherman? A store clerk? In my book Happily Ever After, I used the director of a group home)
iv. Confrontation – an argument with another character that surfaces a truth, an accusation, or a dilemma.
v. A memory, jogged by a memento.
vi. A letter, or journal entry.
vii. I’ve also used landscape, weather, even animals to convey a truth. (Karen Kingsbury used an eagle in A Time to Dance.)

Make him teachable: in other words, show your character’s desire to change. I rose early, packed up my computer, dressed for the weather…in short, I displayed my desire to get to town. Likewise, show a yearning in your character to want something different, deeper in his spiritual walk.
Ie, Happily Ever After, Joe WANTS to forgive his father for the crimes of the past, but he’s not sure if it is worth it. I give him a glimpse of the “fruit” of forgiveness by having him go fishing with his brother, and seeing the simple joy he can have in that.
Ie, in Francine’s Classic, Redeeming Love, the heroine, Angel, wants to love her husband, Hosea, and each time she runs away from him, it is a little bit harder.

How can you show your character is willing to change? Here are some hints:

1. Show their Desire for change. Simply an awareness of emptiness. Perhaps a longing, something he sees in another person, or where he was and fell from.
2. Apply Pressure Points that show his spiritual emptiness, through friends, memories, failures.
--ie, in HEA Joe, gets a letter from his father and wishes he could have their old relationship. He begins to enjoy his brother’s company, and his brother’s example of forgiveness causes him to be ashamed of his own behavior. Also, he falls for the heroine, but because of his walls and spiritual fears, is unable to commit to her, despite his deepest desire.

Finally, cumulate in an epiphany or Ah Ha! moment. As I drove to town today, I passed a football field sized log jamb at the mouth of a local river, piled up against the bridge. Like the log jamb, all of your character’s lessons/moments/challenges should pile up to one moment where he realizes a truth about his life. Often, it’s at the darkest moment, either right before, or right after.

There are many kinds of epiphanies --

a. Gradual “light” turning on, naturally, over time. A series of small changes lead to the big change until they finally stand in a place where their destructive behavior might be repeated and they see their change (or have someone see the change for them).
b. The “Big Bang!” method. Suddenly, the character is at his/her lowest point, and things they’ve seen/heard/learn along the journey flood back to them and they get it. Have them make a change of behavior in that moment, a different decision than they would normally make.
c. The Reader Ah-ha Method. This is where the characters don’t realize their change, but we as the reader see it. (Often in an allegory). At the end, often the character does something that they would have never done in the beginning, to illustrate this change.
d. The Oh No, am I like HIM? Method. In this scenario, the hero/heroine sees themselves in reality and how much they are like the villain, or someone he despises. This jolts them into change.

Now, so I don’t have to drive in again tomorrow…here are some tricks to weaving in the spiritual plot:

1. Don’t make the change too easy. Have them fight it. (C’mon, how many of us embrace our faults?)
2. Don’t use too many devices, (and don’t use coincidences!) Have something pop out at them when they are reading, or listening to a song. Instead of having something jolt them, have them embrace understanding from something they hear.
3. Let the reader see the change…validate their changed life through a changed behavior, decision, words.

But Susie, what if I’m halfway into a book and I’ve lost my spiritual thread? To keep the fabric of your spiritual story from unraveling, simply stop in every few chapters and start your chapter with a question to your character – what do you think God is doing in your life? How do you feel about God? What has been happening around you that makes you uncomfortable spiritually?

You might even have to take another look at your theme – is your character leading you to a new place where you might have to tighten your spiritual plotline? Refine it further? Maybe (like in real life!) your character is going to learn something you didn’t expect! Be flexible and go with the story. Trying to keep a story too tightly inside the “confines” of your theme can make it seem contrived and even unrealistic.

Writing the spiritual thread for a story will deepen your story, allow your readers to participate in the character’s spiritual journey, and hopefully, they’ll walk away with a deeper understanding how God might work in their lives, also.

On Monday, we’re going to be talking about that Special Someone in your Hero’s life…and how to weave in the elements of ROMANCE! Have a dry weekend!

No Dilemma here!

You guys are great writers – there’s not doubt about it! I got this piece from Barbara and wanted to walk through it to point out its strengths. Great job! I want to read this book!

Set up:
Mountain guide Jackson Barrett plans to start his own mountain climbing business someday when he can get the money. He has just received news from a private investigator that his grandmother--whom he didn't even know he had--has died and he has inherited her farm--on the condition that he live there six months first.


Jackson stared after him. This man just shook his whole world—then walked away? He had a whole slew of questions all right, beginning with How did you find me?
(Susie: Love the internal monologue here – great set up).

He jumped as someone touched his shoulder. “What was that all about?” Jada asked.
(Susie: I like how she kept the tag simple, kept the focus on Jackson)

Jackson stared at the letter for a long moment, shaking his head. Then he looked up and met Jada’s eyes. “It looks like our ship just came in.” He snapped his forefinger against the paper in his hand. (Susie: A physical response, I can almost hear the snap of paper, and a good sound metaphor for the impact this news has on him).

“Oh, Jackson! You mean for Kisco Climbing?”

He nodded, then crumpled the paper into a ball, shutting his eyes tight.

“Jackson! What’s wrong? You aren’t having second thoughts about us starting up Kisco Climbing, are you?”

“No.” Suddenly he needed something to lean on. Sticking out his hand, he backed up until he felt contact with a wall, then leaned his weight into it. (Susie: Good showing of the weight of this news)

“Jackson Barrett, tell me right now what’s going on.”

He opened his eyes. “I’ve just inherited the money we need.” (Susie: I really love how he just delivers this line, without the padding of voice. I can hear his voice, solemn, not sharing in her enthusiasm).

Jada’s mouth dropped open. “You’re rich! You’re rich!” She did a little jig in a circle in front of him. “This is so great! Now we really can start up our own mountain climbing business!”

“Yeah...right.” (Susie: Fightin’ words).

“Oh! I’m so sorry.” Jada covered her mouth. “This means someone died.”

“Yeah.” The single, clipped word was all Jackson could get out. (Susie: The tone and the way it is delivered continues to reveal his emotional state. Love the way she doesn’t overwrite with lots of emotional description).

“I’m sorry…Hey, wait a minute. I didn’t know you even had any relatives.”

“Neither did I.” (Susie: Again, the words carry the tone).

“Well, then something must be wrong here.”

“You’ve got that right.” He scowled. “The money—all of it—is there. More than enough, actually. But I can’t take it.”

“You what?!” Jada screeched. “Why in the world can’t you?” (Susie – Fighting words. My only comment would be – chose ONE punctuation. *g*)

Jackson shoved the crumpled letter into his pants pocket. He turned from Jada, hoping she hadn’t glimpsed the coating of tears forming in his eyes. He started to walk away, not caring whether she even heard his raspy answer. “Because the price is too high.”

(Susie: GREAT zinger last line – more Fighting words)

Great dialogue should deliver an emotional impact, through actions, tone of voice and of course, words. This is a wonderfully delivered scene that keeps the emotions focused on Jackson, and helps the reader to understand that he’s rocked by this information. Also, it raises story questions – why is the price too high for a relative he didn’t know? Or, is there MORE to that story? Hmmm!

I’m editing a book right now – going through and taking out all the padding I put into the dialogue, adding in the right actions that show, don’t tell. It’s really normal, in the rough draft stage, to overwrite, mostly because we want to get the emotions right. Cull through your piece, streamlining it, focusing on the words, and leaving only that padding that enhances, rather than clutters the scene.

Great job, Barbara!

All the participants this week are going on the Wiser than Serpents Advance Copy Book List (which I hope to get next week!) Thank you for your participation~

Next week, we move our Hero onto his next step in the journey: Crossing the first Threshold!

Have a super weekend!

Dialogue Dilemma #3

Warning – this is a long post, but I wanted to walk you through all the phases. It’s a YA novel by Wendy – she didn’t tell me what her dilemma was, and it was a solid piece to start with – but I found a few things to highlight.

Let’s start with the original:

Paige joined me as I was walking back toward my drum. "Good morning, starshine–" she said as she bumped one of her hips into mine. "What were you doing over there?" She said it like she would have said, "What were you doing over in that place that is quarantined for deadly diseases such as small pox or the bubonic plague?"

I flashed her a pained smile that I hoped said, "It was no big deal," even though it was. Out loud I said, "Just asking a question."

"Ah. You’re lucky snottiness isn’t contagious."

I nodded. "No kidding. That Brittney is a real piece of work."

Paige laughed. "Yes, Brittney is a breed all her own. And that drummer guy–Jordan What’s-his-name? I doubt he ever eats because he’s already so full of himself."

I was completely shocked. "He’s a great drummer," I said.

Paige snorted. "Yeah, and knows it. I mean, have you ever seen him without his drum on? He’s probably figured out a way to pee while wearing it. What an idiot."

I could barely wrap my brain around what Paige was saying. Couldn’t she see? "But he’s so . . . hot."

Paige looked at me closely. "No amount of hotness makes up for a complete lack of personality," she said. Paige continued staring at me; I looked away.

After several seconds that lasted for eternity, she said, "Huh."

It wasn’t a dull "huh"–the type that would follow "uh" or "nuh". It was an oh-now-I-get-it type "huh". But it didn’t sound excited. I took the bait. "What do you mean, ‘huh’?" I asked.

"I finally figured out why you were so dressed up that first day. I had been leaning toward your bass drum cohort–"

"Grant?!" I said, way too loudly. I lowered my voice. "He’s like, I don’t know, a brother."

Paige shrugged. "Still, he’s cute, and is WAY more interesting than Mr.-possibly-doesn’t-take-his-drum-off-even-to-bathe."

I don’t think I’d ever thought about Grant as cute. I remember noticing he had a nice smile, but that was about it. Besides, he bugged me too much, with his ‘proper technique’ and ‘I can tell you haven’t been playing long’ and ‘you talked to them?’ I shook the thought off and said, "Of course he takes it off–he wears different clothes every day."

Paige dismissed this with a flip of her wrist, "Whatever."

Susie here: This dialogue just needs some tightening, and a little more “Tell it like it is.” Let’s also take a look at the goals: Paige doesn’t want the POV character to hang out with these guys, maybe she fears losing her. The POV character sees beyond their outsides (it seems) to what is inside. She probably wants her friend to see that, too.

I’m going to walk you though my changes, so you can see my thought process. You may or may not agree…these are just suggestions:

Paige joined me as I was walking back toward my drum. "Good morning, starshine–" she said as she bumped one of her hips into mine. "What were you doing over there?" She said it like she would have said, "What were you doing over in that place that is quarantined for deadly diseases such as small pox or the bubonic plague?" (nice use of tone)

I flashed her a pained smile that I hoped said, "It was no big deal," even though it was. Out loud I said, "Just asking a question." (take out the “was” words, and change the “said” – keep that as a dialogue tag. Then, make it more sparse, so the words stand out -- I flashed her a pained smile that I hoped communicated, "no big deal" even though it was. "Just asking a question.”)

"Ah. You’re lucky snottiness isn’t contagious."

I nodded. "No kidding. That Brittney is a real piece of work." (take out, “I nodded” - When you’re agreeing in dialogue, you don’t need the physical action to accompany it.)

Paige laughed. "Yes, Brittney is a breed all her own. And that drummer guy–Jordan What’s-his-name? I doubt he ever eats because he’s already so full of himself." (Can you make this a little more snarky? They’re being so nice here. – i.e. - “A piece of work? Sweetie, she needs her own entourage and a drum roll wherever she goes. And she’s got it in that drummer guy – Jordan What’s-his-name. Between the two of them, there’s hardly enough room in the halls to get by, they’re so full of themselves.”)

(Even better – ask a current high school student what THEY would say).

I was completely shocked. (can you make this more showing than telling? ie: I stopped, and she walked out two paces before realizing I didn’t follow her.)

"He’s a great drummer," I said. (You don’t need the “I said,” because we’re still on her description line.)

Paige snorted. "Yeah, and knows it. I mean, have you ever seen him without his drum on? He’s probably figured out a way to pee while wearing it. What an idiot."

I could barely wrap my brain around what Paige was saying. Couldn’t she see? "But he’s so . . . hot." (I just made that tighter.--)

I could barely wrap my brain around Paige’s words. "But he’s so . . . hot."

Paige looked at me closely – (again, let’s bring that into a more showing line – Try: Paige closed the gap, her face in mine, apparently so I could read her lips.)

"No amount of hotness makes up for a complete lack of personality," she said. Paige continued staring at me; I looked away. (You don’t need this line. Instead, for a second, bring us out of the conversation, to the world around, to the rush of high schoolers switching classes, and how, right now, she sees the difference between the two of them -- i.e.: I broke away from her gaze, watching a group of jocks behind her, dressed in their letter jackets, harassing a couple computer geeks, one of them hanging on the locker door, spilling out the contents onto the floor. On the other side of the hall, Jerry and his girlfriend were lip locked, him pressing her into the locker. Brittany emerged from Mrs. Taylor’s room, three girls in tow. The warning bell rang.

"Huh," Paige said, (-- I like the shook her head here, but I changed it all the bottom, and also we need something to bring the attention back now. Good Fightin' Word, BTW. Try: Paige said, cutting through the chaos. )

It wasn’t a dull "huh"–the type that would follow "uh" or "nuh". It was an oh-now-I-get-it type "huh".
But it didn’t sound excited. I took the bait. (This is something I call telegraphing. It’s telling the reader what to expect before they walk into the dialogue. Dialogue should take us by surprise, capture us. If we brace ourselves before hand, we miss the impact. Dive right in. Try: Heat rose inside me, touched my voice.)

"What do you mean, ‘huh’?

"I finally figured out why you were so dressed up that first day. I had been leaning toward your bass drum cohort–"

(Chose one punctuation - "Grant?!" Also – maybe you could show us her volume: ie.e: “Grant?” The lip lockers glanced at me. (instead of: I said, way too loudly.)

I lowered my voice. "He’s like, I don’t know…a brother." (I added ellipses for more of a pause)Paige shrugged. "Still, he’s cute, and is WAY more interesting than Mr.-possibly-doesn’t-take-his-drum-off-even-to-bathe."

I don’t think I’d ever thought about Grant as cute. I remember noticing he had a nice smile, but that was about it. (– You can tighten this up. Take out think, and noticing…)

I had never thought about Grant as…cute. He had a nice smile, but that was about it. Besides, he bugged me too much, with his ‘proper technique’ and ‘I can tell you haven’t been playing long’
and ‘you talked to them?’

I shook the thought off (– this is a great place for a real definitive inner monologue. Try: Grant wasn’t cute. He was…nice. And, clean. “Of course he takes the drum off–he wears different clothes every day." (I added “the drum” because the “it” pronoun was a bit far from the noun)

Paige dismissed this with a flip of her wrist, "Whatever." (Okay, this is where Paige can see the truth, despite her protest (does the pov really love Grant?) and in YA wisdom reacts with, you’re such an idiot… I love the Whatever – let’s give her a more resonant reply…like she’s washing her hands of her friend’s ignorance by adding a definitive action to her words. Try: One of the computer geeks knocked her in the shoulder, running for his escape, but Paige didn’t move, didn’t take her eyes from mine, didn’t smile. Then, she gave a small shake of her head. “Whatever,” she said, as she turned and walked away. )

*****

I hope you can read my comments in there, see the changes. You might have to print it out, compare and contrast from the original. …

Here’s the final product:

Paige joined me as I was walking back toward my drum. "Good morning, starshine–" she said as she bumped one of her hips into mine. "What were you doing over there?" She said it like she would have said, "What were you doing over in that place that is quarantined for deadly diseases such as small pox or the bubonic plague?"

I flashed her a pained smile that I hoped communicated, "no big deal" even though it was. "Just asking a question."

"Ah. You’re lucky snottiness isn’t contagious."

"No kidding. That Brittney is a real piece of work."

“A piece of work? Sweetie, she needs her own entourage and a drum roll wherever she goes. And she’s got it in that drummer guy – Jordan What’s-his-name. Between the two of them, there’s hardly enough room in the halls to get by, they’re so full of themselves.”

I stopped, and she walked out two paces before realizing I didn’t follow her. "He’s a great drummer."

Paige snorted. "Yeah, and knows it. I mean, have you ever seen him without his drum on? He’s probably figured out a way to pee while wearing it. What an idiot."

I could barely wrap my brain around Paige’s words. "But he’s so . . . hot."

Paige closed the gap, her face in mine, apparently so I could read her lips. "No amount of hotness makes up for a complete lack of personality,"

I broke away from her gaze, watching a group of jocks behind her dressed in their letter jackets harassing a couple computer geeks, one of them hanging on the locker door, spilling out the contents onto the floor. On the other side of the hall, Jerry and his girlfriend were lip locked, him pressing her into the locker. Brittany emerged from Mrs. Taylor’s room, three girls in tow. The warning bell rang.

"Huh," Paige said, cutting through the chaos.

It wasn’t a dull "huh"–the type that would follow "uh" or "nuh". It was an oh-now-I-get-it type "huh".

Heat rose inside me, touched my voice. "What do you mean, ‘huh’?"

"I finally figured out why you were so dressed up that first day. I had been leaning toward your bass drum cohort–"

“Grant?” The lip lockers glanced at me. I lowered my voice. "He’s like, I don’t know…a brother."

Paige shrugged. "Still, he’s cute, and is WAY more interesting than Mr.-possibly-doesn’t-take-his-drum-off-even-to-bathe."

I had never thought about Grant as…cute. He had a nice smile, but that was about it. Besides, he bugged me too much, with his ‘proper technique’ and ‘I can tell you haven’t been playing long’ and ‘you talked to them?’

Grant wasn’t cute. He was…nice. And, clean. “Of course he takes the drum off–he wears different clothes every day."

One of the computer geeks knocked Paige in the shoulder, running for his escape, but she didn’t move, didn’t take her eyes from mine, didn’t smile. Then, she gave a small shake of her head. “Whatever,” she said, as she turned and walked away.

****

Again, this submission had great bones, it just needed some tightening, some focus on the goals, a little more “tell it like it is.” Great story!! Thank you Wendy for letting us learn from you!

Tomorrow, I’m going to do something different – we had one entry that was really spot on…I’m going to go through it and point out all the things we can learn from….*g* Stop by tomorrow to see whose post it was!

Off to work on my OWN dialogue dilemmas! Happy writing!

Dialogue Dilemma 1

We had so many great dialogue submissions – and because they were a little long, I’ve decided to spend the next few days going over three of them. Here’s the first one, from our Linda M.

Let’s look at the orignal:

(author: This is from Anna's pov: She and her husband Jack are visiting her best friends preemie baby.)

"Ellie!" She sits in a wheelchair while Nick helps her put the gown on.

"Anna! You're here?!"

"Hey, man," Nick and Jack give that old guy friend hand-shake-pat-on-the-shoulder thing.

"That?" Nick steps back and takes a long look at Jack's face.

"Congratulations! I was just in seeing junior." Jack pats Nick on the back, clearly evading the face/nose issue.

"We're going to see him now, right?" Ellie pats Nick's hand. "It took some fast talking but Nick convinced the powers that be seeing my baby would only speed up the healing process."

"I wanted him to meet both his parents at the same time," Nick says.

"He's a beautiful boy, Ellie." I kneel beside her wheel chair. "How are you?"

Ellie grips my hand. "Is he, okay? Really?"

Noise in the hallway ceases. It's as if Ellie and I are in a tunnel, just us two. A mother heart is complex - built strong to withstand unique pain motherhood brings, but also fragile - cracking, chipping, breaking when children are hurt.

"He's little. The bed is scary with tubes and monitors, his eyes are covered with gauze. Don't be scared, Ellie. He's going to be alright, he's going to be fine. God's with him. And, his nurse, Hannah, is a Believer."

The fear in Ellie's eyes seems to dissipate.

"Let's go see our son," she says. Nick's eyes dart between Jack and Ellie. He doesn't move until Jack nods.

"Aren't you coming in?" Ellie asks.

"Sorry but only three at a time," Hannah reminds us.

"You go," Jack nudges me. "You're good at this."

I am? Good at what exactly? "You, rest."

I follow Ellie and Nick but stand back so they can have private time.
There's not much I can do but pray.

Lord, thank you for the gift of this baby and for the fine parents you're making in Nick and Ellie. Father set angels around Nicky's bed.

Hannah shows them how to touch Nicky. No light strokes but firm holding, one hand over the tiny head, and one on his bum, cupping as if he's still in the womb. Ellie hesitates. Nick kisses the back of her head. Hannah whispers. Ellie reaches in.

Come on mommy, you can do it.

An alarm shrieks. The monitor lines spike, peak, and drop. Ellie pulls back.
"What did I do?" She presses back into the wheel chair. "What did I do?"

Hannah resets the monitor, shuts of the alarms, closes the isolette and faces Ellie and Nick. "When they're this small, everything is impacted by touch. Remember, he'd still be safe inside at this point. It takes time. You did just fine."

(Susie here: Very touching!)

Linda wrote:
Sounds too stilted ? this is supposed to be a moving scene where a 'surprise' baby (born to the heroine's best friend who was told she'd never have babies. And the baby was born too soon..and her husband was called in from sea..and now Anna the heroine is there to visit.but something about the scene sounds too sterile? What do you think???

Susie:
I agree wtih you, Linda. It’s frankly, well, too real. And not enough conflict. I think that can be solved by looking at the goals of the character. What if Ellie is going through a crisis of faith? What if she believes that she is at fault for the premie delivery, and that maybe she isn’t fit to be a mother? A deeper question is – why would God give her a child only to take it away? Ellie’s goal is to reassure her...

Let’s also add some fightin’ words, and maybe some internal monologe and revamp it a little, and see how that helps.

****

"Ellie!" She sits in a wheelchair while Nick helps her put the gown on.

(Susie here: This is where I’d start revealing Anns’s crisis of faith. – instead....)

“What are you doing here?” (Fighting words, brought on by her crisis of faith)

“What do you mean – you just had a baby.” Ellie crouches beside the wheelchair. Anna looks bad, her hair matted against her head, dried with sweat, her face pale. Ellie touches her hand as her husband greets Nick behind them.

(Susie: I’d cut out the male bonding stuff...it’s a bit distracting, since the scene is mostly about the two women. Also make sure you get the visual in there.)

“We’re...going to see him.” Anna’s voice quavers, despite her smile. “That’ll be good, right? For us to see him? Nick thinks so. Maybe he’ll know us...” She looks into her hands, the way they lay, empty, in her lap.

Ellie fills them with her hand. “Listen, it’s going to be okay. God knows -–“

“What does God know?” Anna’s grip tightens on hers. “Does he know how little he is, and how....” she glances at Nick, who has frozen in Jack’s exuberant embrace. “How Nick had to fly in to be here, and how quickly he could be...” She closes her eyes against the truth.

Gone. How quickly her baby could be gone. Ellie pushes Anna's hair back from her face, stands up, touches her forehead with her own. “He does. And he’s sent a nurse named Hannah to him and she’s a believer. And now he’s sending you, his mother.”

Nick moves behind Anna. Ellie looks up at him, meets his eyes. “And his father.”

She lifts Anna’s face, looks her in the eyes. Don’t give up Anna, not before the race has even started. She puts everything she knows about being a mother in her eyes, in her tone. “You are a mother now. And your son needs you. Don’t be afraid of the tubes and patches over his eyes. You can do this.”

Anna starts to shake her head, but Ellie holds it still. “Yes, you can.”

“You’re so good at this. I wish I could be like you.” Anna's words emerge on a breath.

Ellie closes her eyes. Lord, a little help here. She opens them, taking Anna's gaze into her own. “Not really. I need God as much as you do, every day. So let’s go in there.” She holds out her hand and takes Nick's. “Together.”

****

So I took the essence of the scene as I saw it playing out above, and with some moving around, and more goals, just a hint of fightin’ words (you could really ramp those up, too, if you wanted, go off the tangent about God and his invovlement (or percieved not) in the situation) and just a bit more internal monologue, and hopefully added some passion to the dialgoue. It’s all about looking at what your character is really saying, what their really feeling, and then letting that show.

Okay, tomorrow we’re going to look at another Dialogue Dilemma! Thanks Linda M, for helping us learn together!

Voice of Reason/Passion winners!

Hey all!

After five days of internet, uh…let’s call it CHAOS…I am finally able to get back online. Something involving a burned out router, and a settings glitch, and I don’t know…but WOW, did it bring out the VOICE OF PASSION as I stared at my “cannot connect to the internet” windows screen.

I wanted to hurl something at the monitor. But a smart, rational girl listening to her Voice of Reason husband, (who calmly reminds her that it’s NOT the new Dell Monitor’s fault) refrains from acting out. Even though the wildly frustrated girl wants to embrace her Voice of Passion and call up her computer guy and threaten bodily harm if he doesn’t show and I mean Right Now to fix it.

There you have it, the Voice of Reason and Voice of Passion dealing with the same emotion: Frustration.

Thanks for your patience! And for your excellent examples!

Here’s one from Jessica on the emotion of Loss or Grief:

The Voice of Passion is starting to lean toward Izumi, my heroine's, brother-in-law. He has lost his brother and has a means and opportunity to find the murder. He is steadily climbing to the top of his influential mob family in Chicago.

(Susie: It seems to me that Izumi is following his thirst for Revenge (Passion) to satiate his grief)

The Voice of Reason is becoming Izumi's sister. She is there to help her over the difficult bumps on the way to Izumi understanding widowhood. Actually it's more like coping with widowhood.

(Susie: Izumi’s sister is a great voice of Reason. She balances out Izumi’s passionate voice and gives another look at how to deal with grief.)

Well done, Jessica!

Susan C had a great point to accompany her example:

“I think it's important to balance the Voices of Reason and Passion--to, in Jungian terms, own our Shadows--in order to be fully realized people/characters, in real life and/or in our books. A character/person who doesn't embrace her shadow will be one-dimensional. Not very interesting, in real life or in fiction.”

Hear, hear! Although secondary character can more fully illuminate the theme, the character should her his/her own voices of passion/reason so we can see their inner struggles.

Here’s her example of Vof P/R in secondary characters in her memoir in progress:

The Voice of Reason is sometimes my mother, sometimes my husband, sometimes my spiritual directors, sometimes, a best friend. And the Voice of Passion is also sometimes my best friend, and my friends in art groups and writing groups.

But the Voice of Oppression is an important third element in my book. It's when the Voice of Reason becomes legalistic and over-bearing.

(Susie: A very good analysis on when the voice of Reason actually morphs into a negative….suggesting, perhaps that there ARE times when we should follow our voice of Passion instead. Which brings me to a good point…

I got a couple interesting emails from folks who had real trouble writing the voice of passion, whether in secondary characters or their POV character because they simply couldn’t respect someone who lives by their passions. Yeah – I’m hearing that, because who wants to live in middle school all the time? Or worse, a soap opera? However…one great plotting point for your character might be – when would his voice of Passion be the right choice? Isn’t that the message of so many romance novels, the reason that Darcy stands in the field, forcing himself to bare his heart to Elizabeth? )

Here’s another great one from Rachel S:

In A Time For War, my Russian set historical, the voice of reason is the hero's friend Ivan. His quiet wisdom has saved Sergei from making stupid decisions many times.

The Voice of Passion is Sergei's headstrong younger sister who refuses to live her life the way she's expected to. That reckless passion leads her into marrying a man who will manipulate anyone to get what he wants, which is access to the family fortune.

Good job, Rachel!

~

Now…how to write Passion and Reason into your story. I got an excerpt from a Voices reader, and I took just a snippet to show how a person might cross over from reason to passion….

~

Early Tuesday morning, Ian hooked the wood trailer to the tractor and drove it up into the woods. As he loaded up the pine logs that he’d felled and trimmed the day before, it occurred to him that he could have taken the trailer with him in the first place and had the whole pile loaded, especially with his nephews there to help, but he wasn’t thinking that far ahead. At the time, he wasn’t thinking about anything but knocking something down. Repeatedly.
(Susie: see how his voice of passion is taking over? One idea for a great continuation of this scene would be for him to make a costly mistake while in the grips of passion…and have a voice of reason save him….just a therapist’s thought there…)

Thanks, Camille!

All four courageous voices will receive an advanced copy of Wiser than Serpents (hopefully in the next couple weeks!) Thank you for playing!

And now….if my internet cooperates, tomorrow we’ll start a discussion on…writing DIALOGUE.

“That’s right, good, nice, ATTRACTIVE, little computer, work with me here, I really didn’t mean all the nasty things I may have said to you…”

The Power of Point of View Part 2

Yesterday, we talked about Point of View, and started a discussion over on Voices. Be sure to let us know if you have any POV questions.

To recap, point of view refers to the character "telling" the story. We can only know what he/she sees, hears and feels.

If the story is being told in first person, then the protagonist does most of the talking. :) A story can have more than one POV in first person, but the character voices must be unique.

In third person, the author has more opportunity to open up the story and allow the reader to see the action from different "angles."

Talking to my Thomas Nelson editors once, I learned they like third person because of the versatility where sometimes first person can become claustrophobic.

I didn't understand the claustrophobic part until I read a first person book where the story was so close to the protagonist, I felt locked in. I wanted to see beyond her, outside of her world. They way to accomplish this in first person is to 1. Add another pov, or 2. add dialog and scenes with other characters and broaden the landscape.

With multiple POV characters such as in a romance or suspense, how do you know which character should be on stage? Who do we need to hear from? Who will be telling the story?

One explanation I like is "write the scene from the pov of the character who has the most to lose."

In Love Starts With Elle, I had a scene where a character returns to Elle's life. Originally, I told the story in her point of view, but on rewrites, I changed to the heroes. Ultimately, he had the most to lose.

In the opening of a story, we need to see a scene or chapter from the point of view of the main players in order to get to know them, see how they might fit into the milieu of the story.

With Elle, I open with her point of view for a chapter, then change over to Heath's. He enters the story to introduce himself and to set his story journey.

If the story is suspense, the author will introduce the villain's point of view in limited scene to build drama.

Perhaps the antagonist will have a few scenes. What are they plotting? How does it advance the story?

Chose the point of view character that best moves the action forward. In romance, you want an equal amount of time "on stage" for the hero and heroine, though don't feel overly bound. Again, who is best to tell the story.

If a scene is dragging or feels flat, change the point of view. Even introduce a new character. I've done for my first person books because the protagonist was too introspective. So, I added a town's person or a friend she could talk to. It opened up the scene.

Writing is about craft, to be sure, but it should also be fun. Learn the rules, then go out and write your Breakout Novel!

The Power of Point of View Part 1

Continuing on our "Hero's Journey" today we're going to talk about Point of View. Why is point of view important, and how does it effectively help or harm our work?

Today I'm going to talk about "why" and tomorrow I'll go into "how" of POV.

First, for any newbies, WELCOME to MyBookTherapy! Glad to have you. Join Voices and hang out on the forums for interactive writing help.

Second, the acronym POV stands for Point of View.

Point of View - what is it? It's the view or perspective of the protagonist or secondary characters. Perhaps the story view of the hero or the heroine.

There are several types of point of view writing. Limited Third Person, Omniscient, Narrative, First Person, even Second Person.

Now, some of this goes to the authors voice. Sometimes authors write in third person or first person because it's their best voice or the best voice for the story. Either way, there is a point of view character.

Limited third person is the most popular point of view used today. This means the story is being told through the eyes, ears and mouth of one character at a time. The writer may have multiple characters "telling" the story, but only one is on stage, speaking, at a time.

Let's look at a romance. The hero and heroine usually have a point of view in the story. The author will break up the story into scenes, describing the plot and action from one or the other's point of view.

Here's an example:

Tom stood to watch the boats docking in the moor. The wind pressed the hem of his shirt against his abdomen as he raised his hand to shielded his eyes from the sun. How could he be like one of the boats, free and out on the open sea? His mouth watered at the idea. His heart beat as if he'd actually cut and run.

Behind him, Rachel waited, feeling alone and left out.

Now, what's wrong with this example? I told you what BOTH Tom and Rachel were feeling. That's called "head hopping." BTW, I recently read a book review where the reviewer referred to changing POV as head hopping. That's not head hopping.

Changing POV for a new scene is a legitimate and necessary story tool! BUT, telling the reader how two people in a scene both feel is not a legitimate story tool. It jerks the readers emotions. Who do I feel for in the scene above? Tom, who wants to be free of his burdens, or Rachel who feels left out and alone?

Let's rewrite the scene from Tom's POV:

Tom stood to watch the boats docking in the moor. The wind pressed the hem of his shirt against his abdomen as he raised his hand to shielded his eyes from the sun. How could he be like one of the boats, free and out on the open sea? His mouth watered at the idea. His heart beat as if he'd actually cut and run.

"Tom, what you are doing? Let's go."

Tom looked back at Rachel. She stood by the car, arms crossed, frown on her face. She was mad, he guessed, but for the moment, he didn't care.

See the difference. We only see the world, even Rachel, from Tom's point of view. The reader cannot know anything he does not. To show conflict with Rachel, I added dialog. She sounds impatient, doesn't she?

When Tom looks around, we "read" her through his eyes. We get the idea all is not well between them. We are sympathetic toward Tom. Our emotions are with him Until, of course, we change to Rachel's POV and we see her side of the story.

Omniscient POV is called "author intrusion." This means the author has introduced facts and ideas the point of view character does not know. The classic omniscient infraction is: little did he know...

I like that one. Makes me laugh. Or, the author might pen, "Tomorrow, Rachel would wonder why she ever let Tom talk her into driving to the river."

You can show your characters feelings and emotions in the story narrative, but also in dialog followed by an action tag. This is an effective way to "show" the scene.

"Tom, what are you doing? Let's go." Rachel hammered the hood of the car with her fist.

Oh, now we really see her 'tude. So does Tom. We understand what he understands about Rachel.

First person POV should be clear. The story is being told through the "I" of the protagonist. Usually there is only one POV character in first person books because the voice and sound is so unique. But, you can tell a story with multiple POV characters if the voice is distinct enough.

Lisa Samson does it well.

I did had two first person POVs in Diva NashVegas. When I wrote the hero, Scott, I tried really hard to make him sound like a dude, very distinct from my heroine, Aubrey.

A clear point of view character in each scene is the key to building a strong story with solid writing. You can head hop if you want and tell us what every one including the kitchen sink is feeling or thinking, but it's a sure sign of lazy writing. You'll not get far.

Tomorrow, we're going to talk about choosing your POV character and building scenes from more than one point of view.

Hope over to Voice for more discussion.

The Winning Inciting Incident!

***

Feeling along the wall, she found the edge of the secret door, camouflaged with thin stones to mimic the rest of the structure. Her right hand sought the key tucked between her bodice and under gown for silence; she’d even switched the chain that held it for a leather thong to prevent the clink of metal on metal. Her free hand groped the wall for the keyhole. Waist-high, five forearms from the corner.

She found it, and bent to slide the key inside. To the left. Chink.

Karel straightened to gain better control of the key as she used it as a doorknob to ease the door open. Quietly, if possible. The door shifted an inch, then two.

Something tickled the back of her neck. She didn’t have time for a loose hair or a spider. The sentry would round the wall soon, and . . .

She stilled. The tickle turned cold and sharp, skimming about the curve of her neck to the front. A blade at her throat. Breathing not her own.

“I’ve been expecting you, Cira Riordan.”

***

This is this week’s winning Inciting Incident – great job! Let’s look for the 6 elements of the I.I. in this vivid scene:

1. Sympathy: Her right hand sought the key tucked between her bodice and under gown for silence;
A blade at her throat. Breathing not her own.
“I’ve been expecting you, Cira Riordan.”

What we have here is Fear at being caught. We’ve all been there, haven’t we? Even if we have to think back to six years old and sneaking cookies from our mother’s cookie jar. And the fact that she’s wearing a dress, and obviously out of her element heightens that sense of sympathy.

2. Stakes: Feeling along the wall, she found the edge of the secret door, camouflaged with thin stones to mimic the rest of the structure.
She didn’t have time for a loose hair or a spider. The sentry would round the wall soon, and . . .

Obviously, she’s looking for something of great importance – we don’t know what they are, but the fact that she’s clearly risking her life, and the fact it’s been secreted away from the world gives it value. Also, the fact that should ignore a spider (ew!) tells us the task has great private states to her.

3. Motivation or Values - She found it, and bent to slide the key inside. To the left. Chink.

The fact that she has found the keyhole gives us significant motivation to think, aha! She’s right! She’s found it, which means that her courage has been rewarded! Because she’s found this first secret, we can believe there is more to the story, and gives the reader (and the heroine) motivation to continue. Also, we have a glimpse at her values here – courage!

4. Desires -- bodice and under gown, leather thong, . A blade at her throat

Okay, I had to dig deep on this one – so probably the desires aspect could be added in with one easy sentence, like “Maybe she wouldn’t have to marry Lord so and so – not if she had her own fortune” or whatever the item is she’s searching for. BUT, I could surmise, from the description of what she’s wearing, and the fact that there is a blade (and not a glock) at her throat that we’re probably in a regency or some other old world time period, which gives clues to the cultural expectations for a woman, and possibly some of the desires and dreams she might have.

5. Fears -- she’d even switched the chain that held it for a leather thong to prevent the clink of metal on metal.

Obviously, she doesn’t want to be found out, for many reasons – her future, her life, the stakes of the story. We see her precautions against that in this sentence.

6. Action words – I love the vivid nouns and verbs of this scene that capture the sense of “sneaking around”: camouflaged, sought, groped, eased, and then of course the wonderful: The tickle turned cold and sharp, skimming about the curve of her neck to the front.
So vivid, and I love how we go from the curious “tickle” about what is behind the door to the “cold and sharp” fear of being discovered.

This inciting incident drew me right in – I want to know what she’s looking for, why, who has captured her, and what will happen next. Great job Katie H!

If you want to work on your I.I. over the weekend, I’ll be at Voices throughout the day today – let’s talk about the 6 elements, and how we can make our I.I.’s capture our readers!

See you next week!

Great Storyworlds!

Wow, I’ll tell you we have some excellent writers among us! I really loved the entries I received – so many just captured their story world with such active description they pulled me right in. It was so hard to choose! Here’s a couple of my favorites:

*****

The minute she stepped onto the beach, hot sand filtered into her shoes. The faint scent of coconut tanning oil carried on the scorched breeze. Sweat trickled down her ribcage. A gorgeous hunk of a man jogged around the edge of the lake. Talk about eye candy. Too bad she was on the career advancement diet. No sweets for her

****
When I stepped out of my dressing room into the dim hallway, I should have heard death's gentle taunting. I should have seen it hovering in the glow of the flickering lights. I should have felt its talons pulling me closer to the abyss.
Instead, I rushed through the hall toward the campus television studio, my heels clicking on the tile like a ticking time bomb.
I pulled out my compact mirror and checked my make-up once more. The intoxicating aroma of grease-laden pastries wafted my way, tantalizing my taste buds. Mental note: Find the Einstein who put the breakfast buffet between my dressing room and the green room and have him lobotomized.

And here’s the winner of the StoryWorld entry this week! I loved the use of the precise nouns, and a couple of well-placed, vivid verbs that take you from feeling festive, to knowing there is something deeply wrong. Thanks Roxanne for your scene!

The colored lights and festival atmosphere had charmed April when she’d first arrived. She loved strolling among the cafés, boutiques, street vendors, and hotels that lined the shallow, murky water. Anonymous in the crowd of tourists, Latinos, and cowboys, who flooded the riverbanks seeking entertainment. No one called her name. No one needed more than she had to give.

But the sultry afternoon heat drove her into one of the air-conditioned restaurants. In the evenings, she sipped margaritas and sat beneath the bright umbrellas at tiny, wrought-iron tables next to the river, listening to Mariachis dressed in traditional black, short jackets and tight pants. The musicians filled the air with the rich sounds of their vihuelas, or round-backed guitars, along with their sweet violins and brilliant trumpets.

Yet, now that she worked on the River Walk night after night, the place had lost its allure. Tonight, the carnival atmosphere wearied her.

Roxanne will be getting her choice of a SMW or RH book.

Thank you to all who sent in such wonderfully vivid scenes. Getting that storyworld set is essential in order to take the next step – the inciting incident! We’ll be talking about how to choose the best inciting incident for your hero to jump start him on the journey. We’ll also talk about how this fits into the classic “Heroes Journey” structure, and some options for story structure. Have a fabulous weekend!

Beautiful Examples

I’ve really appreciated the examples of beauty that you Voices submitted this week! Here’s a few that really answer what true beauty is:

From Camille ~
When Ian firsts sees Emily, he has a strong reaction on two counts which tangle together and bother him because he intends to avoid involvement. First off, she is not the dumpy little spinster he always pictured her to be, which is very clear right off the bat because she’s young (28 is still thought young, right?) pretty and carries herself gracefully.. First thing he notices after “young and pretty” is her warm smile and soft, warm voice. Something he hasn’t been around for a long time.

(Susie here – that’s a vacancy, and a way that she “fills” it)

After spending a day and a half with her, he finds her intensely attractive. He is drawn to her tenderheartedness, she is very caring. She is quick with a genuine smile, cheerful (when she’s not worrying about someone) and a little playful. Laughs at his wry jokes.

(Susie here – the fact that he crack jokes and that she laughs at them is a sign of accentuating his strengths. He wants to be good natured…and it seems she adds to that).

But the thing that draws him deeper is something that starts off bothering him about her at first.

She is too gracious and forgiving of people who don’t deserve it, he thinks. He resents his late wife’s father and the fact that his wife’s desire to honor his wishes caused him pain, so Emily’s tendency to behave the same way is an issue for him at first.

She is also patient with people who have no excuse for being hard to put up with. He lives with someone who tests his patience daily. Of course, eventually, these are qualities he comes to admire and is once she’s lodged firmly in his heart, and he ends up changed by her influence. He can barely believe her faith when he first meets her, but with time, he is inspired by it.

(Susie’s final thoughts: These are all areas of weakness or vacancies for him, so the fact that she brings this to him, and in the end makes him a better person, reveals her true beauty and makes her irresistible!)

Here’s another great example from Jeannie:

Some of the things that my hero Sawyer finds attractive about my heroine Danielle, is her strength, her courage, her stubborness, and her calmness in a crisis. She may be terrified inside but she holds it together until she's alone. Her acceptance of him, the like-mindedness they share, and her drive to do anything for her family. He loves the way she makes him feel. Like he can do anything.

(Susie – these are all great examples of accentuating his own strengths. It sounds like she is much like Sawyer – she is strong, even in the face of fear, and she builds on his desire to be a “super hero”)

He is attracted to her for her capability to commit, when he fears it.

(Susie – this is a great example, now of how she complements his weaknesses)

Remember – look at your beholder, and figure out what their vacancies and strengths are….and you’ll be able to determine what he/she will find beautiful.

Next week we’ll be talking using the GREATEST devices to find your black moment…and your happy ending. It’ll be pivotal to figure this out because your Hero is about to start off his journey, and we, the author, need to know into what peril he’s/she’s headed!

I’m skiing in Montana next week, so I won’t be around as much, but Rachel, my co-hort will be around Voices to talk about black moments and happy endings. See you on Monday!